dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
