I want you more than these girls want KFC
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
