The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
