i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
