just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
