She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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