I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
