I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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