I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
