Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
