"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
