this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
