you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
