I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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