Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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