Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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