Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
