if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
