i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
