i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
