So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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