are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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