help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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