She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
