Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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