i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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