I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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