my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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