wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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