I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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