I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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