i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
