Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
