Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
