I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
