Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
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Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
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Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard