i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.