My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.