I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
pray to the hookup gods
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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