I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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