Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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