I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
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Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
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I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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