Your mouth is God's brothel.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
What drink are we having for lunch?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
