I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
