life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
