Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
