mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
