i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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