So drunk its hurt
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
it's like iHOP with fire
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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