Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Betty ford says i'm here all night
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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