I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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