someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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