how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
