Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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