Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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