I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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