take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
